2010-10-29

My Stupidest Monster: Gorillapede

Over on Roles, Rules, and Rolls, Roger has been analyzing the Fiend Folio and picking out all the good critters.  Of course in his latest post, he's started talking about the abysmally stupid ones.  Shockingly, the gorilla bear was tossed into the mix.  From a purely functional standpoint, it adds nothing to either a gorilla or a bear, but cross-breeding gorillas is such a wonderful thing to do, I think you have to at least applaud the attempt.

I posted a few alternative gorilla hybrids, one of them being the Gorillapede.  Most any monster that pops into my head, no matter how stupid, I'm willing to toss into a dungeon (I'm looking at you, Malignant Sphere).  But, the Gorillapede... it's too embarrassing.  I'm posting its stats, and if somebody wants to use it, more power to you.  It only brings me shame, and will remain in its box.  Back in the box, Gorillapede!  Back!

I'm probably not being read by enough interested people for this to work, but it sparked an idea for a D&D challenge.  I dare you, whoever you are, to come up with a fundamentally stupid monster, stat it up, and post it somewhere.  Something that's got interesting stuff going on, but is packaged so ridiculously that your family disavows you entirely.  Additional props for posting without a disclaimer stating you know how stupid it is.  Yeah, I'm cowarding out on that front, but it's just a sign of how deeply stupid I consider the Gorillapede.

If enough people do this, we could put together a glorious Menagerie of Shame and dump it on Lulu for the unsuspecting...  oh to dream.  Yes, I know, I have problems...

Gorillapede
No. Enc: 1
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 6
Hit Dice: 10
Attacks: 6, or 4, or 2
Damage: 1d4 each
Save: F10
Morale: 12
Hoard Class: None
XP: 2400

The gorillapede is a horrible cross between a gorilla and a centipede. The creature is twenty feet long, and composed of black chitinous segments, with hairy gorilla arms sprouting from the sides of each segment.  Its head is also that of a snarling gorilla.

The creature has one segment per foot of length.  Whenever it takes a single attack that deals more than 8 points of damage, apply the damage to it, and if the gorillapede survives it will split into two of equal length.  A fresh, angry gorilla head will burst forth from the wound as the tail end pulls away.

Each half of the gorillapede will have the same hit points as before it split, but each has two fewer attacks per round. Thus, a 20' gorillapede would split into two 10' gorillapedes that attack four times each, and those could be split into a total of four 5' gorillapedes that attack twice each.  Note that gorillapedes cannot be split into less than three segments.

Clever players will, of course, start focusing their energies on slashing just the front of the beast, so they do not accidentally cut it in half.  Any attack doing more than 8 points of damage, when players are focusing exclusively on the forward portion of the gorillapede (and it has more than three segments remaining), will cause it to instantly tear off its own head (and the first segment of its body), hurling the still-snarling thing down upon its attacker.  If the player so targeted fails a save vs. breath weapon, he will take 3d6 points of damage as the dying head-segment expends its gorilla-fueled fury.  A fresh gorilla head will, of course, re-appear to take the place of the one just thrown.

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