session recap, 7/23/2017

Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (6)
Rolf the Dwarf (5)
Gutboy the Cleric (7) and his henchdog Rufus II
S.P.A.R.K.I. the Robot (3)

[in a prior adventure, White Plume Mountain was raided for a third time, and Whelm acquired.  The dwarven hammer was too big a temptation for Rolf, and the party returned to Under-Miami claiming they failed to retrieve it.  The illicitly acquired weapon was host to an artificial intelligence determined to exterminate all space aliens - the only weakness being the crippling fear of the vulnerable, alien-infested skies it instilled in its bearer.  Mindy the Gynosphinx committed suicide, finally ridding herself of her hated lion body, and returned brandishing her diary and demanding her share of the loot.  She then stormed off in a huff, refusing to adventure further with the band of murder-hobos]

The party sat around their apartment in Under-Miami, desperate for something to do.  Discussions were had, and out of nowhere the crew (including long-absent robot S.P.A.R.K.I.) determined to head to Monster Island out in Biscayne Bay and seek the famed black pearl that all the tourist brochures went on and on about.  While Kalimar was absent, his "friends" remembered he had purchased a 30' Boston Whaler, and decided to "borrow" it for the trip out to the Godzilla-infested island.

The trip took several hours, and was uneventful.  The island itself was surrounded by cliffs and dangerous reefs, the only approachable section being a cluster of native villages on a peninsula at the southern end, cut off from the main island by 200' tall wooden wall.  The party motored towards the village docks - as they did so, Rolf tossed a grenade overboard, trying to impress the local fishermen with his weapon of mass fishing.  The tactic worked - vast quantities of tuna and yellowtail floated to the surface, dead, along with a now-deceased mermaid.  The fisherman excitedly brought out their nets and rowed out to bring in the harvest.

They tied off at the dock, next to a modern-looking pontoon boat with a shattered aluminum pontoon.  As they examined this second boat suspiciously, the chief of the Elk tribe ran out to meet them.  He explained that just yesterday, a group wearing "Blessed Expeditionary Company" had arrived on the damaged boat and headed inland to claim the fabled black pearl for their own.  Disgruntled by the appearance of rivals, the party followed the chief towards the village, with S.P.A.R.K.I. taking a moment to peel scrap metal from the pontoon boat for future repairs to his battle-worn chassis.

Elk Chief:  "Welcome!  Such a bounty you have brought!  We shall have a feast in your honor tonight!  Look at all the fish! And a mermaid!  It's so nice to not have to resort to cannibalism!"
Gutboy:  "So, we're looking for the black pearl.  Do you know where we can find it?"
Elk Chief:  "Well, we've never really seen or heard of it, but all the brochures you mainlanders keep bringing over say it's in the crater of the volcano at the center of our island.  Doesn't make a lot of sense to me, what kind of clam lives in a volcano?"
Pai Mei:  "Do you come back when you die?"
Elk Chief:  "Sure, but not like you mainlanders.  When we die, we come back as waiters."
Gutboy:  "So are there really monsters on the island?"
Elk Chief: "You bet!  Godzillas, rodans, ghidoras, we've got them all!  Oh and don't forget the mothras!"

There was a certain amount of confusion and fear, but the party put in their dinner orders (the "surf" end of the "surf'n'turf" - "You heard our guests - a plate of mermaid ass!") and prepared for the feast.

When the time came, the party sat at one of the dozens of tables set around the firepit where the mermaid and fishes roasted.  The villagers were wearing the headdresses of their respective tribes - Elk wearing elk heads, Sea Turtles wearing loggerhead skulls, Tigers wearing ferocious preserved tiger heads, and the Hawk tribe with tiny bird heads worn like little fezzes.  Their identities were all hidden by their masks (with the exception of the Hawk tribe).  Also present were a dozen or so men wearing human skull masks, and the waitstaff were rotting, animated corpses.  The zombies brought plates of mermaid butt to the party, leaving greasy diseased corpse-prints all over the sizzling chunks of fish.

Gutboy: "So who are all these people?"
Elk Chief:  "All of our tribes - the Elk, the Sea Turtle, the Tiger, and the Hawk tribe."
Gutboy (mishearing):  "The hot tribe?"
Elk Chief:  "Oh you mean the men in the skull masks?  They are our hottest men, but they are not a tribe!  They are the zombie masters!  Ugh!"
Gutboy:  "You don't like them?"
Elk Chief:  "Oh no, all that mucking around with corpses, it's horrible!  And they are secretive - who knows who could be behind those skull masks?  But if we complain, we end up becoming waiters!"

Gutboy had an idea - murder the zombie masters to ingratiate the party with the islanders - and so chugged a potion of ESP and approached one of the zombie masters.  The man was ridiculously buff, with oiled muscles and a well-defined six pack.

Gutboy:  "So, you guys make zombies?"
Zombie Master:  "Oh yeah, somebody's got to be a waiter"  [thinking: "Hmm, this guy seems hot! I wonder if he'd come to the zombie master party with me tonight?"
Gutboy:  "Wow, how do you become a zombie master?"
Zombie Master:  "Only the hottest of men may become masters of undeath!  It is a role extended by invitation only"
Gutboy:  "I wish I could be a zombie master"
Zombie Master:  "You know what?  Come to our party tonight!  Bring your friends!  Look for the torches to the north of the village, they will light the way!"  [thinking: "Oh I am going to SCORE" followed by unfamily-friendly mental images, as his grass skirt began to part of their own volition]
Gutboy:  "Ummm... right... yes, we'll be there... later..."

After the feast ended, the heroes waited for the torches to be lit beyond the village - and they were, accompanied by the distant sound of pounding bass music.  They followed a path cutting through the jungle towards a wide flat plateau, where dozens of well-toned men with skull masks danced feverishly to the beat, singing "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!", surrounded by a motionless circle of the undead.

Pai Mei, longing for mayhem, instantly began incanting his fireball spell - a bright light flung from his finger towards the dance party - a voice shouted out "Hey look, firewo--" - and then an earth-shattering KABOOM followed by an incandescent mushroom cloud engulfed the plateau.  The party-goers and zombies alike were reduced to ash in an instant.

A few minutes later, the Elk chief and a horde of warriors approached, horror in their eyes.

Elk chief:  "What have you done? Those were our hottest men!"
Gutboy:  "I thought you hated them"
Elk chief:  "Look how homely we are now!  You will pay for this!"
Pai Mei:  "But you can eat them now!  Just look at all that sizzling fat!"
Elk chief:  "Fat? Seriously?  Do you know how good their BMIs were?"

Thinking fast, Pai Mei lowered his hood, revealing the glorious pompadour he had stolen from the corpse of Elvis.  The Elk chief fell to his knees, thoroughly dominated by the puissant hairdo.

Elk chief:  "It is he!  The one who was prophesied to release us from the rule of the Zombie masters, and then wander out of the village to die in the jungle!  All hail he of the glorious hair!"
Warriors:  "Uhh????  Chief? What prophecy?"
Elk chief:  "Silence!  Obey our master!"

The warriors, muttering, angry, and confused, obeyed their chief.

Gutboy:  "You must come with us to retrieve the black pearl!"
Elk chief:  "Shut up, you.  We serve the one with the hair!  Our prophesied master!"
Pai Mei:  "What he said.  Come with us."
Elk chief:  "I am old and would slow you down.  Take my warriors!"
Pai Mei:  "Yeah sure, why not."

Four warriors were "volunteered" to join the heroes on their voyage inland.  As soon as dawn broke, the crew headed into the jungle, passing through the 200' high palisade.  They hiked all day, passing a lake of bubbling tar, with a post used for tying sacrifices to the "Kongs", and camped in the foothills of the volcano.

After dark, the party saw torches in the distance to the north - they were not alone.  Gutboy ordered Rufus to investigate, while S.P.A.R.K.I. joked "Wait, what if they're cat people? Wouldn't that be funny?"  Alas, they WERE a wandering band of cat people, and only tragedy, not comedy, ensued.

There was furious barking from the direction of the torches, and the torches began moving erratically.  Then canine yipping, followed by feline yowling, coming closer - Rufus blinked into view, and three sabre-tooth tigers ridden by humanoid cat-men burst into the party's camp.  One of the tigers bit into Rufus's neck and shook him like a rag doll, while another slew one of the village warriors, and the third leaped at Gutboy.  Magic missiles flew, the mighty hammer Whelm was thrown, and drowsy insects nibbled at the warriors, putting them into a deep sleep.  It was for naught - Rufus was dead, slain by his natural enemy, a cat.

No time for mourning - the party was then rushed by the remaining cat people, running on foot.  Pai Mei sent a fireball into them, killing all but one, and then he used the power of Elvis' hair on the last.  Gutboy wanted to kill the cat-man to avenge his dog's death, but Pai Mei intervened, saving Mr. Whiskers (for that was his name).

Mr. Whiskers circled around his beloved Pai Mei, rubbing his head on Pai Mei's legs and purring, and then led the party to the cat camp.  Several luxurious tents had been set up, and there were thousands of dollars worth of expensive furnishings present.  Not being ones to pass up a buck, the party decided they would have the village warriors function as porters, carrying the hundreds of pounds of loot on their backs.  Tragically for the villagers, the rising sun saw several pit vipers stir from their nest (the cat-men had chosen a terrible campsite) and poison Mr. Whiskers and one of the warriors.  Another bit S.P.A.R.K.I., but his hydraulics were unaffected by the venom.

After the snakes were slain, the remaining two villagers were forced to carry double-loads of furniture - no sense in leaving anything behind, and two men could surely carry what they had planned for three men and a cat.  They hiked up towards the volcano, passing a tribe of cave-dwelling Neanderthals (who waved in friendship, but were ignored), and climbed the slope of the volcano to within a few hundred feet of the summit.

The party there found an obstacle - a deep cut through the side of the volcano with a swift-running stream at the bottom.  A rickety rope bridge led over the cut to a ledge on the other side, but above it circled a swarm of 7 small rodans with 10' wingspans.  Worried about the danger, the party ordered the villagers to carefully put down the hundreds of pounds of furnishing and try crossing the bridge.  One of the warriors balked, but Elvis' hair showed him the ineffable wisdom of obedience to cruel tentacle-faced wizard-monsters.

The rodans swooped down at the villagers, who cowered in fear - but then Gutboy pulled out an Uzi and sprayed bullets into the air.  The sound of gunfire inspired the rest of the party to spray lead at the hopelessly outmatched rodans - three plummeted into the ravine in an instant.  The remaining flock flew away as fast as possible.

On the other side of the bridge, the party found evidence of a campsite, only a day old - their rivals were already at the volcano!  They contemplated scaling the rim of the crater (another few hundred feet of steep climbing) or entering a cave adjoining the ledge.  Rolf noticed movement a few hundred feet away - there was another cave along a narrow path running from the ledge, and a pumpkin-headed hairy humanoid pulled back into it from where it was spying on the party.  The heroes did what heroes do, and decided the pumpkinoid must DIE.

They ran the narrow path, and found four pumpkin-headed furry humanoids waiting for them, guarding a lava tube running into the side of the volcano.  The slaughter was brief, the pumpkins smashed, and glowing robotic nodules found sticking up from the stumps of Bigfoot necks underneath the gourds.  What were these things?  Something to discover at the next session!

Gains:  10,000 gp worth of expensive cat furniture and rugs
Kills:  20 super-hot zombie masters, 40 zombies, 19 cat-men, 3 sabre-tooth tigers, 4 pit vipers, 3 rodans
Losses:  Rufus, 2 village warriors, Mr. Whiskers


Photobucket done hid my pictures!

Are you noticing all the "upgrade now" signs everywhere?

Photobucket done hid my pictures!

Can't blame them for not wanting to host things for free - I've gotten years of unpaid service from them - but the $399 annual price tag they want now is a bridge too far.  Gotta figure out a new solution!

Will I ever update ALL the pictures?  Heck no.  But the landing page of the blog'll get cleaned up at some point soonish.  No promises on timeframes, I am focusing on ASE4-5 first.


"What happened to yer blog Mr. Henchman Abuse?"

Worthless status update incoming!

"So what happened to ASE4-5?  Where are all the session reports?  When will you publish again?"

a. I played a lot of Destiny on the PlayStation 4
b. I designed a lot of electronics (my other hobby).  Little circuit boards everywhere, doing things at dangerously high voltages
c. And now I'm playing a lot of Ark: Survival Evolved on the PlayStation 4.  Yeah this is RIGHT UP MY ALLEY.  Dinosaurs for days!
d. I try to get the group together but it's tricky getting everyone together, so not playing as much as I want
e. There was an unrecorded session of White Plume Mountain.  They recovered Wave, went back to Under-Miami, and were introduced to the mayor at a dinner party - who in turn introduced them to Ashkasor.  Players and Ashkasor pretended it was their first meeting, and veiled threats were exchanged.

But yeah, ASE4-5 is still on my radar.  I just get distracted by whatever the latest project is - it's kind of a thing with me, I've always got a half-dozen incomplete projects in the backlog.

In the meantime, just got an email from someone starting up an ASE campaign, and he's blogging the play sessions here:  http://selfportraitasagiant.blogspot.com/

Creative stuff with Monsator!


session recap, 7/10/2016

Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (5)
Rolf the Dwarf (5)
Gutboy the Cleric (6) and his henchdog Rufus II
Kalimar the Ranger (5)

It's been a while since the actual game, so this update is lighter on the details.

The party decided to haul ass to White Plume Mountain and find the artifacts stolen from the Under-Miami Museum of Natural History.

- Bikers encountered on the way - captured, threatened to no avail ("Kill me! What do I care!" "Oh right, they come back to life"), and killed

- In the tunnels under White Plume Mountain, encountered Mindy the Gynosphinx.  Keraptis hired her as security, she blacked out, and woke up cut in half and sewn to a lion's body.  For no good reason, wings have also been sewn to the lion's shoulders.  She's been forced to ask stupid riddles ever since, and has had nothing to eat except some bikers who tried to force their way in ("Don't judge me!").  Stupid riddle answered, and then she is convinced to join the party

- Tunnel full of inductive plates that heat metal.  Rolf strips naked, goes to other end, and is pursued by horde of zombified Under-Miami policemen (who had been sent the day of the theft to recover the artifacts).  Mindy wades in, and in conjunction with gunfire and Gutboy's atheistic faith, they are destroyed.  Their diaries are recovered and eventually returned to the Under-Miami Police Dept

- Room with frictionless surfaces and pits full of spikes.  Mindy flies them over.

- Room with a mid-air stream and kayaks.  "Ehh, let's do something else".  Room ignored.

- Inverted ziggurat - each level a glassed-in enclosure, with alternating levels full of water.  Giant crayfish, giant scorpions, lion-halves sewn to seal-halves, and finally lions with human heads sewn to them and machine guns sewn to their tails.  Keraptis the Wizard has serious issues with sewing things on to lions.  Heavy gunfire shatters glass enclosures, creature mayhem ensues, water eventually drains, everything is dead.  Safe at bottom, looted!

- Room with tiny man, Qesnef, who claims to be a poor captured soul hired on as security and abandoned.  Party believes none of it.  Turns into giant monster, but Pai Mei's drowsy insects quickly send the fiend to sleep.  Throat slit, it's nature's way.  Hey, what's that under a sofa - the lost artifact Blackrazor, a sword so black it appears to be a rift in space.  Rolf grabs it, his eyes roll back, and he charges his comrades, shouting "BLOOD AND SOULS!"  Gutboy paralyzes him with atheistic miracles, Pai Mei and Kalimar break his hands and wrists until he lets go of Blackrazor, and they roll the evil sword into a rug for transport.  They also find a suit of lightweight green plastic armor - Rolf claims this as his own.

- Blackrazor returned!  Levels gained!  Mindy talked out of suicide and remains as henchwoman!


session recap, 5/22/2016

Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (4)
Rolf the Dwarf (3)
Biff the Fighter (4)

It seemed like a year since the party escaped Ashkasor's clutches - but of course, only moments had passed.  They looked around, and Gutboy had wandered off into the swamp to take a leak - but lo!  a stranger named Biff walked up in his stead.  He was wordlessly accepted into the party, like a long-lost brother, such was their bond.

They reviewed their options, and decided it was time to complete the long-delayed drug deal with Sanibel.  Their briefcase full of ball bearings in hand, they headed north through the swamp to Lago.  They traveled along the coast til swamp turned to jungle, and then followed U.S. 1 north where it crossed the Biscayne from Under-Miami back onto the mainland.  For over a day they trekked over the deteriorating asphalt, until the jungle opened up, revealing a dozen or so buildings lining the highway.  A road sign read "LAGO" - but the town's name was crossed out and crudely replaced with the word "HELL" in red paint.

They headed for the bar - an establishment bearing the name "Plain Dealer", with bikers wandering in and out.  Their choppers were lined up outside the door.  Inside, the bikers, their jackets labeled "The Cavers", were busy getting drunk and eyeing the trio.  One of the few non-bikers made his way over - "You.  I'm Cosmo.  Cosmo the Bullet."  The three stared at him in confusion.  "El Blanco sent me.  The drugs?  Let's have 'em."

Rolf:  "Wait, we're supposed to give them to Sanibel."
Cosmo:  "Really?  Fine.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  I don't want these bikers seeing us leave town together.  I'll go first, meet me an hour up the road."
Pai Mei:  "No, I think we'll go first."
Cosmo:  "Whatever.  Just go."

Cosmo left first, conspicuously walking south on U.S. 1, while the party decided to do some shopping.  Across the street from the bar, a tiny figure watched them from the porch of the town sheriff's office - this "little person" was presumably the  sheriff himself.  They made no move to introduce themselves, instead browing the goods in a store imaginatively labeled "Food".  Biff ventured across the street to the establishment labeled "Girls", but found only regret.

After stocking up on canned beans and canned beer, the party marched north up the road.  After a time, they hid in the bushes, and waited for Cosmo.  Four bikers rode slowly by, but didn't see them - and soon after Cosmo appeared, escorted by two heavies in silk suits.  Together, they marched north for a bit, and then headed off into the jungle towards Sanibel's compound.

The journey took over a day, but eventually the filthy group of travelers came upon the spectacular mansion of Sanibel.  The guards in front of the house stepped aside to let them into the foyer, and Cosmo excused himself to let Sanibel know they had arrived.  He returned shortly, and let them into a wide solarium.  As they entered, a pair of guards closed the doors behind them.

The solarium was filled with potted palms and aloe vera plants.  A half dozen guards stood on the floor with them, while Sanibel, El Blanco, and two guards with super-soakers stood on a balcony at the other end of the room.  Incongruously, a rough wooden barrel was sitting on the balcony as well.  Hanging from the ceiling were four brass cages, each containing a spherical horror 4' wide, with wide gnashing mouths and ten long tentacles.

Sanibel:  "Welcome to my home!  You have brought the lanthanides?"
Pai Mei:  (removing the briefcase from his pack and opening it)  "Right here"
Sanibel:  "Juan!  Try a sample!"

One of the guards walked over, and Pai Mei handed him the one genuine lanthanide sphere from the briefcase.  The guard pulled out a tin of greenish jelly and smeared it over his teeth, and then popped the lanthanide sphere into his mouth.  Sparks flew from his teeth as he rolled it around with his tongue, and his eyes rolled back in his head.  "Good stuff boss!"  A strange look came over the guard's face - "I want MORE!" and he yanked the briefcase from Pai Mei's hands, spilling the stainless steel ball bearings all over the floor.

Sanibel shouted in rage, "I don't think so, Juan!  Get him!"  The guards standing next to Sanibel unloaded their super-soakers on Juan, dousing him in cinnamon-scented water.  El Blanco pulled a lever, and the bottoms of the four cages fell open, releasing the tentacled nightmares.  The four decapuses reached down and tore Juan limb from limb.

Sanibel then laughed heartily, and shouted "Time for your cut, Cosmo!"  The guards soaked him as well, with similar results.  The party realized that they were next, and Pai Mei intoned one of his deep magics, summoning a swarm of cavern insects to crawl from the walls, biting most of the guards - and they fell into a deep sleep.  Sanibel and El Blanco swatted the insects away, El Blanco fleeing through a door, and Sanibel pulling out a pistol, taking pot shots at the crew.

Pai Mei responded with a barrage of bolts of arcane energy, gutting Sanibel.  Rolf finished the drug kingpin off with a shot from his plasma rifle, leaving a flaming stump where his head used to be.  The body toppled over the railing cinematically.  The sleeping guards awoke, took one look at the carnage, and fled for their lives.

The party took their time exploring Sanibel's mansion.  In the backyard, they found a pool and two women sunning themselves next to it.  Pai Mei began asking one of the girls questions - she just sighed and said "Ugh, beat it, weirdo" and leapt into the pool, sitting herself underwater on the bottom.  She refused to come up for air, preferring drowning to Pai Mei's conversation.  Rather than witness another suicidal rejection, they returned to the mansion, looted gold chains, a "Polex" wristwatch, and a key from Sanibel's corpse, which in turn unlocked a secret closet containing a briefcase with $100,000, Sanibel's diaries, and a heavy machine gun.  Further searching revealed a pen set and some petty cash, and then the party began the trek back to Under-Miami.

Once they reached U.S. 1, they were met by four bikers, riding three bikes (one of which had a side car).  One of the bikers bore down on them, whirling a chain, but was shot down by Pai Mei's magic missiles.  Pistol shots from Biff and Rolf took out the other bikers, and the contents of their chained wallets were looted.  The party decided to skirt through the jungle rather than walk through Lago - clearly there would be trouble there.

After making their way to Under-Miami, the party headed to the police station and turned the diaries over to Bennett and Lt. Castellan - "Under-Miami owes you a great debt.  Just a metaphorical debt though, this department is under-funded" - and then to the visitor's center to find a place for the night.  To their great horror, there was a line of adventurers from Denethix, several wearing "Blessed Expeditionary Company" t-shirts.  They turned tail, and interrogated passersby until they were directed to the bloodstained rooms of the "Embassy Hotel" - formerly the "Miami Cannibal Society", until the club's unceremonious eviction three days earlier.  The accommodations were found lacking, so they sold their goods ("Nice heavy machine gun!  Haven't seen one since that one I sold to Sanibel!") and invested in a three bedroom apartment only a block from South Beach.  This expenditure was enough to push all three to fifth level.

Gains: 3 gold chains, "Polex" wristwatch, $106,400, pen set, heavy machine gun, 2 uzi's
Kills:  3 guards, Sanibel, 4 bikers
Losses:  none


session recap, 6/28/2015

Gutboy the Cleric (6) and his blink dog Rufus II
Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (4)
Rolf the Dwarf (3)
Simon the Halfling (3)

The party began exploring the prison in which Ashkasar had trapped them.  They found various statues in niches along the walls, of varying species - they provided no clue on how to escape.  Finally, at the far end of the chamber, they stumbled across another pair of portcullises.  Expecting them to open, they poked a 10' pole through the bars of the near one and pressed the pressure plate that triggered the trap - but nothing happened.  Apparently, Ashkasar had been opening and closing the portcullises himself - a depressing realization for the intrepid crew.  Fortunately, brute strength was at hand, and with all the cannibals of the prison slain or turned to dust through Gutboy's faith, they had no problem using their combined strength to push the portcullis upwards.

Beyond, they negotiated a series of tunnels through the underground, discovering stuffed ape heads on pedestals, and the pit traps that disturbing said heads triggered.  The use of 10' poles prevented serious injury, and eventually they made their way to a large room with two skunk ape statues, one holding a quill, and the other a book.

The first ape statue uttered strange phrases when touched - "Never odd or even", "Flee to me, remote elf!" and other nonsense.  The second statue spoke even stranger things - "Knock knock", "Quack", and "Sizzle".  Pai Mei identified the second ape's utterings as onomatopeias, but the first ape statue's babbling was indecipherable.

Ignoring this mystery, they headed through a southern tunnel, finding a strange room filled with bean vines growing from pots.  Rolf was able to see the room clearly - a pair of ape statues were glowing with ultraviolet light - and in a corner, he saw a giant snake.  Rolf tossed a torch in that direction so the rest of the party could see the giant beast, and to their surprise, the snake used its tail to open a door, rushed in, and slammed the door closed.

A cursory inspection revealed ancient runes carved into the stone walls behind the bean vines, mentioning obsidian seeds and a being called the Gann, who was apparently supposed to return to the dungeon at some point.

The party approached the door and opened it, revealing a snake's bedroom - one wall lined with great pillows.  The snake sat coiled at the far end of the room, its head straight up in the air, with the upper half of a goblin sticking out.  The goblin spoke:

Esvet:  "Do not be alarmed, travelers!  I am a simple bean farmer!  This goblin is my method of communication!"
Gutboy:  "Wait, what?"
Esvet:  "My people can only speak through these lesser ones held in our mouths.  We are a peaceful race, and desire only commerce, and to harvest beans.  I am Esvet, of the Zerpanax"
Gutboy:  "Commerce?  What are you looking for?"
Esvet:  "Why, women, of course!"
Gutboy:  "Snake women?"
Esvet:  "No, don't be ridiculous.  We need human wombs to incubate our young.  Subterranean humanoids such as this goblin are inferior incubators, and the children produced are mentally incompetent.  Human women are necessary for proper childbearing!"
Gutboy:  "And what would we get for bringing you human women?"
Esvet:  "I see from your equipment that you are lovers of weapons and technology.  We can provide these in great numbers!  Have you heard of lasers?  Such devices are held in our citadels beneath!"
Gutboy:  "So you're not from here?  You're not the Gann?"
Esvet:  "The Gann?  No, we traveled through subterranean fissures to this dungeon.  Whoever the Gann was, he is long departed.  We worry not about him or his ridiculous apes."
Gutboy:  "So you eat beans?"
Esvet:  "No, our mouthpieces eat beans!  We eat the skunk apes, and sometimes the morlocks, when they are disobedient."
Gutboy:  "Well, we'll get those women for you right away.  Which way out of here?"
Esvet:  "To return to the surface, you'll want to head north.  You'll find some caverns, travel through them and a natural chimney will lead up to the swamps above."

The party (with the notable exception of Pai Mei) found the human-womb-seeking, goblin-devouring snake to be entirely trustworthy, and followed its advice, heading north.  They did indeed find a large natural cavern, with a gong at the far end.  Rolf spied a stony humanoid crouched behind the gong.  They suspected a trap, but pressed forwards regardless - Rufus blinking forward to bite at the stone-man, and the party unleashing a volley of arrows.  The arrows plinked off its stony hide, doing no damage, and the party realized they were in serious trouble, as two more stone men peeled off from the cavern walls.

Rufus managed to down one with his savage blink-dog-jaws, crunching through its rock hide, but the others hammered on the bell and rushed the party, crushing Simon the Halfling into paste.  The party fled for their lives, rushing back to the bean room, and Pai Mei used the ancient powers of the wu jen to secure the door against all intrusion.  Inhuman fists crashed on the other side of the door, and angry hisses were heard, but the mighty doors to the bean room held.

Incensed at Esvet's betrayal, they kicked down the door to his room and unleashed their fury on the slithering liar.  "Please, there must be some misunderstanding!" were the last words of the beast as Rolf severed the snake's head (and the goblin's feet).  The goblin fell from the monster's mouth, moaning in pain.  There was a brief and unsuccessful attempt to interrogate the mostly-unconscious goblin before the party decided that heading south would be a more profitable direction.

The southern tunnels brought them to a room full of morlocks and a giant lizard, who were quickly dispatched - and beyond that, a series of rooms that led back to recognizable staircase.  Despite horrendous mapping errors, the party had found their way out of the dungeon of the Gann.  They followed the more accurate upper level of their map, and made their way back out to the swamp, avoiding the laser stare of the stone ape heads outside.

Gains:  none
Kills:  margoyle, zerpanax, 2 morlocks, subterranean lizard
Losses:  Simon the Halfling


session recap, 5/17/2015

Gutboy the Cleric (6), his blink dog Rufus II, and the three Brothers Melba (1)
Pai Mei the Wu-Jen (4)
Rolf the Dwarf (3)
Simon the Halfling (3), and his henchmen the Unnamed Mariner (2)

The crew looked around - where the hell had Gutboy gone?  - no matter, they had a drug dealer to bust.  They packed up their belongings, headed down the Grand Stair to the Everglades, and began the trek through the swamp, avoiding the highway to Under-Miami, as import/export professionals so often do.

They handily dealt with a lone giant mosquito, climbed into the mossy cypresses to sleep, and then awoke to the sound of skunk apes.  The 7' tall bipeds were marching single file to the west, an unconscious man in an orange jumpsuit slung over one of the beasts' shoulders.  Intrigued, the party followed, and after a few miles saw the swamp 'squatches head towards a stony outcropping with a door cut into it.  The door was flung open, and flanked by giant stone skunk-ape-head-statues.  The cunningly carved eyes of each statue were rolled up so that no pupils were visible.

The intrepid crew headed into the tunnel, and stopped to examine a 6" round shaft cut into the wall.  A few feet into the shaft was the squared-off head of a metal bar.  Simon cajoled his Unnamed Mariner into reaching in to twist the shaft - and as he did so a metal blade swung down inside, shattering the antique Apple Watch he had dredged up from the bottom of the ocean in his seafaring days.  He yanked his arm back, thankful the watch took the brunt.  Pai Mei took a look at the statues, and saw that their eyes had rolled back down, and were pulsing with purple light.  He threw the mariner's shattered watch into the air, and lasers lanced out from their eyes, disintegrating the timepiece!  It was lucky timing, too, as just at that moment Gutboy and his entourage rushed towards the door.

Once inside, they began exploring the tunnels beyond.  They examined several long-abandoned dormitory rooms, lifted a portcullis, fought & killed a pack of skunk apes that had been standing around minding their own business (confiscating a few whistles and nothing else), and then made their way past a pair of ape-themed double doors and down a stairway.

On the lower level, they followed a trail of doors to an ape beauty salon (with ape combs and tubs of sanitizer), and eventually to a chamber with an ape-sized niche in the wall, the surrounding stone carved to resemble a larger ape about to give the niche's contents a hug.  Huddled below the niche was the villager - he was drooling and unresponsive, and covered with swamp scum with the exception of his well-groomed head and shoulders.  The Brothers Melba picked him up and forced him into the niche - and the stone arms reached forward to grip him tightly for a moment, and released him to the floor.  The fellow (identified by the brothers as "Phil") remained in his senseless state, and rather than lug him back to Squamscot, the Brothers lightly killed him, figuring they'd let his reincarnation know what happened later.

Exploring further, they came upon a room filled with implements of torture - thumbscrews, iron maidens, etc.  As they examined the grisly collection, a man in a torn jumpsuit staggered forward.  "Oh thank goodness!  I'm saved" he shouted as he approached.

Gutboy:  "Wait!  Who are you?"
Louis:  "I'm Louis, from Under-Miami!  I escaped from those awful skunk apes, and was hiding here for days!"
Gutboy:  "Really?  You just stayed here, in the dark?"
Louis:  "Uhhh.... yeah...."

Pai Mei thought this sounded fishy, and used the Wig of Lordship he had taken from the Tomb of Elvis to charm Louis.

Pai Mei:  "Who are you really?"
Louis:  "I work for Sanibel! I had a briefcase full of jewels for a deal, and was on my way to Squamscot to make a deal when those apes grabbed me."
Gutboy:  "Jewels?"

Their greed overcoming their paranoia, the party began hatching plans to retrieve the drug jewels and arrange an accident for Louis.  They explored the room further, and found a boudoir around a corner.  Looting the various drawers and trunks, they retrieved a book full of magical writing, a box with a knife and fork (cast into the shapes of screaming faces), a ring of keys, a golden thurible, crystal dish filled with incense, eight flasks of liquid, a scroll tube, and a wide array of expensive suits.  All were dumped into Gutboy's sack.

Heading to the other side of the chamber, they saw a pair of portcullises - the near one up, and the far one down.  Pai Mei jabbed at the floor near the far portcullis with his extensible pole, and the near portcullis slammed down (shattering his pole!) and the far portcullis rose up.  A lone ghoul ran around the corner, only to be driven away by Gutboy's holy presence.  After two minutes, the far portcullis slammed down, and the near one arose again.

Having figured out the nature of the trap, they decided to press ahead anyways.  They ordered everyone, including a sobbing Louis, shaking with fear ("I thought these clones weren't supposed to be afraid to die?") into the space between the two portcullises, and stepped on the pressure plate.  As expected, the near portcullis arose, the far portcullis fell down, and the party began advancing - all but Louis, who remained, clutching the portcullis.

As Gutboy, in the rear, crossed the threshold of the far portcullis, Louis began giggling, and the far portcullis slammed down, while the one he was clinging to began to arise.

Gutboy:  "Why are you laughing?  Are you jewels back here?"
"Louis":  "You seriously haven't worked it out yet?  Louis is not my real name..."
Gutboy:  "I figured that out!  What do you want?"
"Louis":  "You may call me Ashkasar.  All I want is for you to eat...  to dine upon the sweetest flesh..."
Gutboy:  "We've got your stuff!"
Ashkasar:  "Oh, I shall retrieve it later.  There is no hurry.  You'll want the cutlery, of course.  The hunger shall drive you to abandon your pretense of civilization and embrace the natural order!"

As Ashkasar spoke, a teeming horde of cannibal corpses emerged from the darkness around the party.  Pai Mei sent bolts of magical energy into Ashkasar's chest, to no effect whatsoever, while the presumed wizard easily sidestepped an attack by Rufus the Blink Dog.  Meanwhile, the brothers Melba and the unnamed mariner were rended limb-from-limb by the cannibal horde.

Gutboy's holy presence both repelled and attracted the ghouls - as the power of his nonfaith annihilated the fiends, those behind attacked him with increased fervor.  Bloodied and torn, the priest prevailed, and soon only the party members and the giggling Ashkasar remained.

Ashkasar:  "Now it is time for you to dine!"

With that, the session ended.

Gains:  ivory whistle, 2 frosted glass whistles, golden thurible, crystal dish with incense, ring of keys, spell book, glowing wood cube, box with plates and cutlery, suits, scroll tube, eight flasks of liquid
Kills:  giant mosquito, six skunk apes, 12 ghouls, 3 ghasts
Losses:  Phil, the Brothers Melba, the Unnamed Mariner